Berry the Sage

Long Winded Instructions

Welcome back, cocktail fans. Is it fair to call you a fan? Or maybe a cocktail enthusiast? How enthusiastic do you feel about cocktails?

But, I (immediately) digress. Today we’re talking about Berry the Sage. Now I’m sure you’ll have detected some word play in this title, and you probably read it one of two ways. Some of you may have read it as "Barry" while others may have read it as "Bury". I don’t want any of you to be wrong, so let's explore backstories for both, shall we?

Barry the Sage
There once lived a profoundly simple man named Barry. He was well known throughout the land for his impressive lack of wisdom and common sense. Let me be more clear: he was a real idiot. Through a series of fascinating and compelling events (that I won’t go into here), Barry got ahold of the deed to the town and was fooled into trading it for some “magic” blackberries. When the townsfolk heard they were being evicted from their homes by the town’s new owner, they were slightly annoyed with Barry. How could, even he, be so dense? Magic blackberries?! The very idea!

Now, of course, the blackberries weren’t actually magic. In fact, magic doesn’t exist in the universe of this tale. Sure, there are unicorns in this universe, but even they don’t have any magical properties or abilities. They are really just horses with horns on their heads. And, they’re not even impressive looking horns. They are short and jagged and serve no purpose what-so-ever. The unicorns would prefer not to have them at all, and some of them choose to have cosmetic surgery to remove them. Many feel that the unicorns shouldn’t have this surgery because they are beautiful just the way they are, even though the horns look so distasteful. They are speaking more to an inner beauty and the idea that the frumpy looking unicorns should learn to love themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. But, some of the unicorns can’t be convinced of this and feel the need to alter their appearance. Ultimately, they find this unsatisfying but they still take their own emotional inward journeys and finally accept themselves. So, I think I’ve demonstrated pretty well the lack of magic in Barry’s world.

Now, what no one anticipated was that the blackberries, even though they lacked magic, were still pretty good blackberries. They were ripe and juicy and very good. Not exceptional, but just a really solid selection of berries. The townsfolk all tried the berries and agreed they were a good batch. And so, they decided that Barry had made the right decision after-all. From that day forward, they always looked to Barry for advise in their personal and community challenges. “Barry the Sage”, they called him, and he was a town legend.

Bury the Sage
There once lived a profoundly wise and intensely intelligent woman named Agnes. In her town, Agnes had a reputation for always knowing the right thing to do. She guided the town through many years of prosperity. The townsfolk held her in the highest esteem. They called her, “the Sage.” And she indeed gave sage advise to any and all who came to her.

And despite all of the prosperity that they experienced, one year the townsfolk grew quite restless. They were all jealous of the next town over. That town was right on the river and those people were always bragging about their riverside property values, great views, and various water-sports and other benefits. And the animosity grew so intense that they held a town meeting. “We want to live in Rivertown,” the people exclaimed, “and we won’t stay in this dump any longer!” They asked Agnes to intervene. “Oh wise Sage. We beseech thee. How can we get the Rivertown people to leave so that we can move into their glorious waterfront homes?” they asked. Agnes was not happy about this idea. Certainly the people of Rivertown had a right to keep their property. But her town insisted that she come up with a plan, and so she did.

She went to work orchestrating the most clever plan her world had ever known. Each Machiavellian maneuver was more fascinating and compelling than the last (though I won’t go into that here), all of which culminated in the Rivertown deed falling into the hands of their greatest idiot. With a sly smile, Agnes gathered up her town’s best blackberries and met with Barry to make a proposal. She told Barry that the blackberries were magic and therefore very valuable in a universe with no concept of magic. And, she offered to trade them to Barry for the town deed.

A cry of celebration echoed through her town as Agnes triumphantly held the Rivertown deed up towards the sky. She had done it, just as they asked! She had really out-done herself this time. Everyone gathered ‘round to hear the story of how Agnes had made this happen (which is much more interesting than anything I’ve mentioned here). But when she got to the part about the blackberries, the crowd grew silent. “You gave away our best blackberries?!” they shouted angrily. “It took weeks to grow those berries!”

“Yes,” she said, “but we can easily grow more, and now we can all move into Rivertown just as you wished.”

But the townsfolk were not as smart as Agnes, and they couldn’t see past the loss of their precious blackberries. In a fury, they viciously attacked Agnes and dug her grave right where the berries had been. “Bury the Sage,” they said, “and she’ll never disappoint us again.”

Berry the Sage
But, I digress. Whichever way you read the title, you’ll note that it’s clever for incorporating two of the ingredients. So let us make this nifty drink!

Start by making your sage simple syrup, if you haven’t already. Now, put a bunch of blackberries into your shaker and get to muddling. Muddle long, and muddle well. Add the gin and the sage simple syrup. At this point, you will need some ice. Do whatever you need to do to find some. I won’t ask any questions about how you acquired the ice, I’ll just be glad that you did. Shake your drink well. Put a fancy large ice cube in your glass and then pour your mixture right on in there. Find 2 or 3 choice sage leaves and place them tenderly atop the ice.

You’ve done it! And now you know to appreciate the blackberries in your life. You’ll never know when our leaders might trade them away for little more than a few highly prized luxury properties. It really puts things in perspective.