Sea Shandy

Long Winded Instructions

This drink has a rich and fascinating history that I am about to make up. There's a great tradition forged by the sailors of ye olde sailing ships. It's a history of ocean adventures, and gargantuan ocean beasts, and getting ocean plastered.

Barnabus McSailington was a grizzled, old, bearded sailor. He had sailed six of the seven seas. He had an opportunity to sail on the seventh one, but he didn’t because he was feeling much too grizzled that day. He sailed from port to port, drinking local spirits. You might say he was a connoisseur. Of course, he would never say that because he’s too grizzled to use that kind of word. One day, Barnabus sailed into a port he had never seen before. Someone on his crew had spotted it with a looking glass. It didn’t even show up on the map. The port town of Sailingtown looked as though it had been there for hundreds of years, but no one had heard the name. Nary a ship was parked at its shipping dock. Twas a mystery, indeed.

The grizzled captain bellied up to the Sailingtown bar. And, he had quite the belly, so it took some maneuvering. Once he was settled on the barstool, he looked the bartender straight in his one eye.

“Yar! I have a thirst for spirits, fine. Pour me a glass fit fer a captain. Also, give me a lemon far me scurvy be actin’ up, yo ho,” bellowed the captain.

The bartender glared back at the captain and defiantly began making an exotic concoction without breaking eye contact for a single second.

He started with a nautically themed rocks glass. This one had a sailing ship on it. He added lemon juice and simple syrup. A small bottle of aromatic bitters appeared in his hand, as if from no where. He added a couple of dashes. He actually missed the first time because he was still starring into the twitching eyes of Barnabus, who also wouldn’t dare break contact lest the bartender think him weak of constitution. The bartender stirred the drink with the tip of his corncob pipe.

A larger bottle appeared now, this time with the words “beer of wheat” etched into the side. He poured about 6 ounces, give or take, until the glass seemed full. He spilled a little bit on the bar, but it wasn’t too bad.

Now the bartender turned his body towards the back of the bar where the spirits were all displayed. He had to crane his neck and feel around with his hands so as not to look away from the captain. He could tell when he found the right bottle because the glass was ridged in the most intricate pattern. He pulled it from the shelf and set it upon the bar. His unblinking expression turned sinister.

“What be that?!” Barnabus demanded.

“This be a spiced rum, spiced with the finest spices from all the seven seas! It’ll knock thee on thine ass!” the bartender retorted.

“How dare ye! I have sailed almost all of the seas and no rum has got the best of me, no matter how exotically spiced!” Barnabus stood mid sentence, stare still unbreaking, to meet the bartender at eye level.

“Yer pride will be yer downfall, sailor.” Using a nautically themed bar spoon to build a layer, the bartender slowly poured the rum atop the drink. He broke his stare only briefly to make sure he aimed the pour correctly, but then stared back at Barnabus even more intensely to make up for the brief interruption. He added a lemon wedge to the rim and slid it across the bar to the captain, who seemed to be even more grizzled now then when he entered the bar.

Barnabus snatched the glass from the bar and raised it to his grizzled face. He took in the aroma of the mixture. A sudden expression of confusion broke through. He looked down at the liquid, shocked. He had never smelled the like. He looked back up at the bartender, as if to silently ask if this was really meant to be consumed by mortals. The bartender gave him a knowing nod.

Not one to ever shy from a challenge, the proud captain steeled himself, and tipped the glass up. His head snapped back as the concoction ran down to meet his lips and the rotund captain fell back upon his grizzled ass. But, he didn’t spill a drop. Sitting on the floor, he downed the intoxicating brew. It was fantastic.

Barnabus stood slowly and met the bartender’s gaze once more.

“Yar. I’ll take another.”