Hot Mildred's Pie Drink

Long Winded Instructions

Before we get into this, can I just say a few things about rhubarb? I promise this is not my Seinfeld-esque stand-up routine about rhubarb. It’s a serious question.

What’s the deal with rhubarb? The plant itself is sour and terrible. I suspect it’s only ever been used in a single food, which is the strawberry rhubarb pie. It might be grown specifically by and for strawberry rhubarb pie bakeries and no one else. There’s not even a second kind of pie that uses rhubarb, is there? Have you ever seen a rhubarb salad? I never have, because it would be awful. Even fennel has it’s own salad, and it’s terrible.

But enough well-crafted observational humor about rhubarb. It’s time to get serious. A strawberry rhubarb pie, despite having the awful ingredient of rhubarb, is delicious. Somehow it works! It’s balanced by the (probably vast amounts of) sugar that makes the whole thing work. And that’s why it would, hypothetically make a perfect cocktail. It’s all about balancing the base alcohol, sweetness, and sourness. And, the strawberry rhubarb combo is a natural fit. So, we consulted with our favorite strawberry rhubarb cocktail chef, Hot Mildred. She gave us this recipe free of charge, under the condition that we wouldn’t share it with anyone. So, if you see Hot Mildred, please don’t tell her that we published her secret, generations old, lucrative, family recipe for the whole world to just have. K?

Start with a mixing glass. You’re going to use it to combine some ingredients. Cut up a few strawberries and stick ‘em in there. Prepare to muddle. Now muddle. Add your vodka and simple syrup. This is already looking good.

Now bust out your rhubarb bitters. Why bitters? Well as far as I know, every home bar has an obligatory bottle of rhubarb bitters just sitting there. You need to use them for something, so you might as well put them in this cocktail. A few dashes will do it. Now shake with ice and strain into a nice fancy glass. We found a really nice rocks glass in Hot Mildred’s decorative glass case. We told her we liked it a lot, and she gave it to us for free on the condition that we never photograph it or show it to anyone. She’s so nice!

Now, you could drink this as is, but if you really want to make this into a pie drink, you need a swirly strawberry whipped cream topping. And, you might as well make real whipped cream. Spoon out the muddled strawberries into a bowl. You didn’t throw them away already, did you? They still have a life to live. Sure, they’ve been horribly crushed, abused, and has their literal pulp beaten out of them, but they still have delicious strawberry flavor to contribute. Pour your heavy whipping cream into the bowl and start whipping. The muddled strawberries will be pureed into oblivion, joining the whipped cream with subtle notes and be-speckled beauty.

Now’s where you’ll need a frosting decorator thing (I refuse to learn what these are called) or a plastic bag with a small corner cut off. Squeeze the whipped cream into a swirly pattern on top of your drink. Add a strawberry on the rim, just to show your drinker exactly what they have in store.

I would set the drink down triumphantly in front of your guest and simply walk away. Don’t say a word. Anything you say would just detract from the experience. Your guest is bound to be awestruck at your creation. They probably underestimated you. Now’s not the time to gloat. They’ll get the message.

As for Hot Mildred, we’ll probably never see her again. After copying down her recipe and taking her cool rocks glass, we hopped into her strawberry red convertible and drove off her property forever. But we know her culinary genius and reluctant legacy will live on for all time. All time.